One Life, One Destiny

Dear Journal,

 

entry 1 of 1. Desolation.

 

Sadness keeps haunting me, it doesnt seem to want to go away. The past seems to still stick, and it hurts, why can't it all just go away. All the things I have said and done, why can't it just disappear. I feel so lonely, afraid, alone. I just want but one, can't she hear me calling her name. Feel so lonely. I just feel like a fool who wasted all his time and effort on things that in the end turn around and backfire, bites me back in the friggin ass. Do I care right now? maybe, maybe because I don't want to lose anymore. I'm sick of smoke people carry around me, smile then speak behind me. I'm already tired of all of this, I just want it to stop.

 

I started going back through the history of chat logs, and all the stupid things I said, not that I want to hurt, it's just that there are technical difficulties, I could have done better, but not that I use chat technology much. For the past months I've been isolated from many around me, maybe it's been years, and because my lazy arse won't do anything to find a way to catch up. I've been busy very busy, work 31 hrs/week + study, that makes me a freaking over worked numnut. Let alone the amount of time I have for myself to travel, i.e. 1.5hrs to work 1.5 hrs back + possibly extra for work/uni combined days. I'm so freaking exhausted, but exams are coming, far too soon.

 

My heart feels like it's been minced through a blender, soul been extracted and hung to dry. I just want it all back, just want to talk it through, and find resolution and peace. The torado is still here, still lingering around.

 

If I had 'Jack's compass It'd lead me to my hearts desire, not saying that is a high possibility, I got to still believe in this desolate place, the deepest darkest part of my mind.

 

.:KrAkPoT:.

Time passes so quickly, yet I ask myself, 3 months have passed since some dear person wanted space. I fuked up, I gave it, three months passes and still no response, consideration, nothing. Fact 1 - I'm getting to the point where I wonder if I should just call and find out the truth because, things came seriously to a head. Now almost half a year has come and gone again, I am wanting to call, though I am a little worried that the cops thing is going to be called on me. I risked almst everything thus far. So why the hell no, like I have nothing left to lose but my life. I'm a little scared, yet I'm unafraid, though I wanted to initiate a move, but the ball ain't in my court no more. I took a risk by doing what I did. Okay. I miss someone so much, silly thing may ensue. What I risk is finite, and if things work well, the net value of this is worth more than the wieght of diamonds and gold the world can offer. Great, now I dug a deep hole, deeper than that which reches to the dark side of the moon.

Could one see that I am waiting for an answer, you told me something, and I am waiting for an answer. Whatever the answer maybe I am yet to hear a sqeek or response. Leave a msg after the tone.

 

Okay 2 weeks have seriously passed, and I'm on th brink of dying from exhaustion. This isn't any good, I'm a little peeved off. Fristly work, angry customers, not just one or two, truck loads. I'm getting to the point where I want to just say, we all have some issues, so deal with it, but that isn't about to solve the porblems. I have already worked 2 weeks, nearly 3, and yet I have nothing in my pay packet to show I have done any work. In theoretical sense I have worked for $0.00. It's wonderful. I'm going to be broke... sometime soon. Now someone remind me why I applied to be a Telstra Shop Representative? and Tell me why again that I am working at Carousel?

 

Second point, Uni and Tafe combined study load. I think I just outdid myself with work, uni and tafe, 3x disaster. I'm slowly passing away through the art of exhaustion. I have caught the cold 2x and it's killing me, so I'm upset and dying, and guess what, I caused it so I have to deal with the mess. No wonder why I am such a dorkus, I overload, complain then blam the workload.

 

Last point... my bike has officially been stolen! I'm pissed off, but I think part of it lies as mine to blame. Oh well. I should be more responsible than than.

 

Another 2 weeks has gone... again

 

.:KrAkPoT:.

Darn darstardly dun diddily... something somethine...

 

My job is not helping my already bad back problem. I have had soreness, but this is getting beyond a joke. I feel like a not so well oiled machine which creeks, and its driving me insane. I've been taking some painkillers to relieve the symptoms of it, but I don't think it's really getting to the root of this problem. I feel like a sucker for pain, again I got to put up with it, at work, but once I do a fair amount, my back feels like dying.

 

Anyways, yay I worked on monday, yet doh I worked. Undeniably good money, but man the public transport sucked real real bad. I mean I used to drive, and the difference is quite noticable. For one, Easter Public Holiday, trains and busses are far to infrequent, yet the still operate. and most of the time if you miss one of the services, it's literally an hour long wait for the next. So I head to work at 10am, nice bright and early as the boss requested, and the boss come in nearly 3/4 hour late. I stand waiting outside the shop doing nothing all morning but listen to the music that I brought on my phone/mp3 player. The job is pretty repetitive, either chopping chicken (gib and gore factor = high) or putting already cooked food into plastic take away containers. Simple... yes... fun... not really, but it's a job no less.

 

The amount of chicken I see everyday at work astounds me. some wings some drumsticks, maybe a little more than a little, maybe in the order of 800 drumsticks and about another 500 or so wings... how many chickens are slaughtered each day for your meal. I love my hainanese chicken rice, but it looks like my liking for chicken is slowly waning. The idea is that you got to chop a box at a time... so wings are wings etc, and drumsticks and so forth, so I just chop like there's no tomorrow, and I get through at least 3 boxes in my shift, not inclusive of all the extra items that I have piled on me simultaneously.

 

Monday was particularily good at work, just chopping wings all day, almost. Spent the most part of 3 hours chopping about 7 boxes of wings the re-packing it into smaller bundles. All for Tuesaday when there will be customers and the aunties and uncles can cook. I mean no customers, so I can concentrate on the task at hand. For that I am rather happy.

 

Well enough of chicken and gibbs, and back to normal daily random stuff.

 

Damn, tuesday is gone too, bugger that, got to rest up for tomorrow is another day, 9am at Village Green Shops (Waterford) starting from Bayswater, that's a bit farked, but oh well, not if I care, so long as I get my pay.

 

-this sense of helplessness is killing me-

 

.:KrAkPoT:.

Damn, I feel as thou as I am writing far too much during the times I'm supposed to be asleep, oh well, bugger it, just need something to do.

 

All I want to to is watch the sky these days, but the sky is just freaking me out. Scares me to think that the world is going infitesimally crazy. I'm also getting pissed off at the fact of some of the ploys of the industry I'm slowly going to be working for is operating, and how others are fueling this messy fire. What I'm about to go on about is about the hot topic of 'Global Warming'. I guess some people are bound to read this and think I'm one crazy fool with some crazy ideas, what I am about to write about is about the what if and maybe even the truth, and it it might hurt.

 

GLOBAL WARMING - Is it me or does it seem like a marketing ploy and even a politcal excuse to score political points

 

Global warming is an intersting topic to work with, it is something which environmentalists, scientists and other big names people such as Al Gore and Richard Branson use to describe the changing environment of the Globe. The whole idea of 'Global Warming' is that the worlds' environment will become unsustainable because of the increasing Greenhouse Gasses such as CO2, Methane etc, which contribute to the trapping of the heat into the Earth, entering the atmosphere. The earth would then become somewhat like a greenhouse and the temperature would rise. As according to science and experiment, theoretically at a certain temperature the amount of vapour and liquid would somewhat settle and be stable. What if the use of 'Global Warming' is a marketing ploy just to distract you from the truth of the matter, a convenient excuse to broad rangingly cover the problems?

 

If the idea of 'Global Warmimg' is a marketing ploy then there is an inconvenient truth behind all of this. As yourself a question, are you consuming about the same amount of foods daily, and as such are you contributing to the global warming? If you think about it, maybe yes you are contributing to this problem, but who is to blame? everyone of us, because we are cotributing greenhouse gasses to the environment, not only from our breathing, but from our bodily wastes as well. So if this is the case then in order to save the environment is to have less people. Quite notibly data about population vs global warming should be looked at, and it can be seen that the larger the population, the greater the warming. The data relationship is directly proportional, meaning that if we have less people, the earth will be happy.

 

The use of 'Global warming' is a convenient excuse, namely because it is similar to that of the notion that sugar causes diebeties. Why? because everything really contatins a form of sugar, and substituting it with 'sugar free' makes no difference whatsoever to the proportion of people contracting this disease, namely diabeties 2. We fear that global warming is going to kill everything, and we want to preserve the environment, so now we are told about bio-fuels, it burns cleaner and is better for the environment. Are we fools blinded by our own sense of global justice that we forget 'burning'. THe basic idea of fuel is to burn it, and by burning it would mean the release of greenhouse pollutants such as CO2, thus the idea of 'bio-fuels' is a waste of time, it is no better to the environment than normal fuels.

 

Have a think about it people? will taking Greenhouse gasses out of the air for 20 million dollars be the solution of all our problems?

 

More to come in the following post tomorrow

 

Signing out

 

.:KrAkPoT:.

 

Before all of this, what

Sometimes in life, you feel like you sacrificed yourself and gain nothing. Well right now I feel as though I have, yet also have not. I gave up a lifetime of easy goingness for some hardship, then sacrifice my life for, Nevermind, not so simple.

 

First things first, got a few people in my life I really really miss so so much, and yet I can't contact them because... long story... I mean I valued friendship, but ever since young, everone just abandoned me, I'm pretty pissed and I just can't bother anymore and just go alone, and stick. This girl, pharmacy student right, Ivy's her name, I know I make reference in previous post, I don't have anything to hide. I miss her heaps n heaps and I mean bucket loads, and I been doing some pretty crazy stuff to try find her in a place such as where I am now. I try but whatever I'm trying ain't exactly working cos it's just one way traffic. I just want to talk, to you if you are reading this, I made mistakes, I'm sorry. I'm alone, I'm trying to make it one step at a time into this world and it's stupid cos I took things for granted.

 

Second thing, I got a job, in the interim working as a kitchen hand. It doesn't pay too well, but enough to survive on, at least I have some money. Not feeling as broke as before, but still I feel pretty broke as it is. I mean without this job I don't know what I'd be doing. So for the record, I chop chicken, pack some chicken and rice (nasi lemak) and some others like (hinanese chicken rice), and so forth, it's a hell of a job. A lot of standing, little time for drinks, and worst of alll my clothes smell edible at the end of the day. It's a small price to pay to make it in this world. I mean I can't complain, I do get paid after all, and it's reasonable.

 

Thirdly, at least one company did call me up, Telstra no less. They are employing people, and and they need sales/customer service representatives for some of their stores, I got called up for an interview, a screening session no less, trying to find a person who can fit their mindset. I think it went okay so fingers crossed I get called up with some good news.

 

GO3 went fine with the usual mixups and miscommunications (competition starting too early, judges missing and so forth) that happen at most conventions. I was called into judge the Cosplay competition (Cos-play as accoriding to the site and media materials), and had the honour to announce the winning competitors. I mean the competition was tough and alongside my fellow judge Mirai, we had a tough time actually selecting one person who can win the prize at the end of the day, a trip to the Tokyo Games Show. My week thus far has been a little dramatic.

 

My birthday, well I'm leaving that being belated, but I think it's better that way, too much happening, I was broke, so I might organise it for sometime soon. I mean if I organise it for "tomorrow", the saying "tomoorow never comes" does apply unfortunately. So I will orgainse it soon, and those who are invited will receive my invitation by email.

 

At the end of the day feeling rather exhausted, and apologies jf I don't seem to come online as often, I'm flat busy. Time for me to sleep.

 

HAPPY EASTER*to those who celebrate this*